Silence

Your silence doesn't matter. Your silence is comforting. Your silence is a reason. Your silence is... Silence is all that I have now. No sound, no arguments, no speech, no voice, no noise. Is almost that I am in other universe, in a different dimension. Your silence is a reason for everything. 

I think and only hear some sounds in my memoir, but that is not enough. The silence is beautiful and at the same time a way of reflecting. I don't care about the silence, because in my memoir I will always have the memoir of your voice. In a different language that I was familiar, but time have proven that different language is not a frontier that cannot be broken. By the contrary, maybe can be a reason to approximate more. 

The silence is not only produce in the natural way. In terms of technology the silence is stronger. We have more ways to be silenced, ghosted. Although, silence can be remedy. Silence can be like fire that burn so much inside and produces a change that we never saw, but it is necessary. 

 

 

That doesn't mean that life will be what it was. In a better way, life will be different.  More consistent, more capable of showing why is important, the life. We only have one...

Your silence is painful, but also is a reason for me to be aware that change it was, it is, needed. That change don't mean a return for what I have lost. By the contrary, means something new that I really want to achieve. 

I just want to show you that silence is not the key, the memoirs contain the sound of your voice. For most that we fight that never can be deleted.

No matter what, one day I will hear your voice personally again and I will be a different man and you a different woman. No matter the time of silence, with time change is inevitable. 

That Night

It's not good after all this time remember that night. Is only going to make that the acceptance and consequences are more difficult to accept. At the same time reflecting is a exercise that I need to do, no matter what kind of bad feeling I can feel. 

All it was very strange, irrational and understandable. My acts were from other person that It was no thinking properly and lost control. I was under the effect of something, not drugs, but any new adaptation that I was madding to a process that started months before. 

Until that moment they where many nights that I was sleeping not properly. I was awakening tired because I was in bed but I didn't have the proper rest.Various days, weeks in this behavior tired us and the body and mind starts not function naturally. The body reacts in ways that can be a surprise for us and for others. 

In conclusion, in that night I lost control because of a process that I started months before. I was wrong advice and the result was that I lost control and I hurt someone very important to me. 

Off course when that happen you cannot expect that  the problem simple disappear and everything is forgiven. What you should do is reflect in what happen and try always, but always learn and never again committee the same mistake. 

However, that didn't happen to me. Or I have not done that. Instead I  only make the situation worst with a behavior of a needy person, someone immature, selfish, that could not control emotions, respect space and time and much worst, continue to hurt that person so much important to me. 

Much time have pass since that night. A lot of changes already occurred. Some I know what they are and mean, others not quite. Because I know what I changed in me with all what happen. Although, I don't know what changed in the person that I love. 

In conclusion, in that night it was not me that were present in that space and made that horrible thing. Since then I had a lots of moments of weakness and with my behavior I just put things worst. However, at the moment I am conscious of my mistakes and I am living with them. I don't have other choice... 

 

In this moment what is important for me is to be good and happy and at the same time that the person is also.  Accepting life as she is and learn from all of this. But I need to say, whatever happens in the future I still have hope about my desire for the future. I believe in true love and especially in the destiny. Sometimes I just ask if it was not really necessary that happen in that night for me open my eyes finally. Time will tell

What is Love?

Some words cannot express the feelings that we have inside us. Actually, I would say that the words will never be enough to express the feelings that the human body feels. This, what we call emotions, is something to much complex to express in words. Is something that happens in the brain and that one is the human organ that mankind less know about. Is the organ where everything happens. Is the organ that give us the feeling that we are alive. Is the organ where we feel love, hate, pain, joy, insecurity and much more feelings. 

But today I want to talk about love. The powerful feeling that give us the strength to feel life with more excitement and is a reason for us to change completely the way that we are. Is a feeling more difficult to understand and explain then the brain, because is not physical but is something that we all feel inside us. Never no one saw, but everyone felt.

We feel different kind of love. The love that we feel for our family is not the same that we feel for our friends or people that we simple know. Then exist the love that we can consider special, unique and transformative. The love that we feel exclusively for a person that is also unique in the way that make our body react when we are near to that person. 

Because I am heterosexual I will talk about the woman's and the type of love that they make me feel. But with all the respect for the community LGBT, I do not consider in any way that the feeling is different. After all, we are made from the same material. 

 

 

Love is a transformation. Starts to be a feeling that originate in the brain and express himself for the rest of the body in a chemistry of emotions. The scholars would explain the love in the perspective of evolution. The romantics will understand in the idea of how the emotions can be express, for example, in words forgetting the the scientific theory. 

Although, each one of us have a different definition of what is love. Because we are going to explain what we think what is love based in our experience. In other words, what for some of us love can be a big reason of happiness for others can be a reason of suffering. The greatness about love is that the same can happen in a infinite number of times. Because love is infinite, or is finite? Is that what I am trying to understand!

I still remember the first time that I thought that I felt love inside me. At first it was scary. It was something that I never felt before and because of that scared me. I didn't know what to do, how to react or not act. I simple understand that when I was near of that woman my body started to feel different: nervous, not knowing what to do, or what to say and some times I felt shame. However, at the same time I had a strong need to catch the attention of that woman. I wanted to be near her. Talk with her. Touch her. Smell her. Kiss her. Hug her. I don't know! Do everything with her! Since I started feeling that way my world completely changed and I didn't care about nothing else. 

With time and accordingly I was getting older, I learn that love is a complement for life and not everything. Because if love is everything, what starts to be a beautiful fairy tail, can become a nightmare. 

 

 

I don't want to say that love is a nightmare, by the contrary. Is the best thing that can happen to someone. But love have another side and the way that each one of us deal with that side is the reason because I spoke in nightmare. In my life I just felt, what I consider the real love two times. To be real and honest, right now I can say that it was only one time. I say this because the feelings where so different and because of a new love I changed my idea.  

In the first time, it was a long relationship with a lot of ups and downs. But it was working, during that certain point that you assume a compromise. You make plans. Most important you cannot imagine your world without that person that you consider at the time, I consider my your soul matte. 

However, didn't work. Like everything that have a beginning also had a end. My problem was how I deal with that. It was not the best way. I started knowing a new self that lost control, enter in despair and have done a lot of crazy things. I mean a lot of crazy things that I don't want to remember...

It was hard. I needed years to heal myself from that experience and to find myself again. It was so hard that the time that I needed to recover it was lost time in life that I never will recover again. It was a time that started for me to be a reason to not believing in love anymore and I thought that I was never fall in love again. 

But I was wrong, and after a decade I found love again. In a different way, in a different country, in a different citie. But I found it. Unconsciously it happen so fast and it was so deep that at some moments I was not believing that it deserved to feel like that again. 

The way that happen it was in a modern way. But what it was more interesting is that after two hours I met this woman I already felt that she was my soul matte. Because of the way she speak, the way that she think, the way that she talk, the way she smell, the way she move, the way she look at me, because of the eyes, the way she was clever, the way that she fight for life, her independence, her experience, her kindness, her determination, her creativeness, her education, her big heart, her dedication and especially her sincerity. In other words I just and simple felt that I found  what was true love. 

Nonetheless, after some time I discover that problems that I thought that I solve in myself many years ago where still present, and worst, I never accept my biggest challenge and problem: I am sick. I am not a normal person because my brain don't work in the way that persons are normally use to see in one person. Because of that I need to be more aware of things and avoid certain things. 

In the end it was not a matter of time, of behavior or whatever. The problem, once again it was me. It was myself not assuming that I needed to be careful and not be have shame of my sickness. I should embraced her and live with her without shame. It is the only way for me to be complete and happy. Unfortunately, I did some of the same mistakes when the relationship end, but it was not so crazy like the last time. I learn that fortunately I grownup and I became more mature and because I really love that person I didn't wanted to harm her. Although, my stupidity make me do wrong acts that maybe only cause that she change the idea of me and keep her away from me. The truth is that I will never love again like this in my life. I just simple know it. Yeah I know you can say whatever you want, but my feeling are only mine and because of that just me understand me.

In conclusion, love is not easy. It can be a path of two directions.One of them id happiness that never ends, the other a period where we loose all the conscience of life and we act very wrong. But in the end love is experience and learning. With which new experience of love we learn always something new. but with my experience I can say that I will never love the same way again. My love it was a melody that I broke  and right now I don't know if I can fix it. However I just say to the people that read this post, don't be afraid of love, because love is everything and in the end, after the period of grief, you will always became a better person. But that don't mean that you stop love the person in cause.

O Regresso

Passou muito tempo desde a última vez que dediquei tempo a escrever aqui no blog. Na verdade, foram anos que passaram. Nesse tempo muitas foram as vezes que me ocorreu, e mesmo tive saudades, de passar tempo em frente do ecrã e escrever sobre os temas que mais gosto e propus-me e escrever aqui.

As razoes para parar foram variadas, mas nenhuma justifica o meu ato. Contudo, a principal razão de parar foi mesmo falta de tempo e a perda de dedicação para algo que me faz alienar do mundo.

Houveram muitas razoes para escrever. Filmes, novos projetos de tecnologia, avanços no cinema, novos interesses e uma infinidade de ideias que todos os dias ocorreram-me. Mas a minha vida mudou muito desde que deixei de escrever aqui no blog. Mudei de país, de emprego, de objetivos na vida. Conheci novas pessoas, novas culturas e aprendi que conforme vamos envelhecendo as prioridades mudam como também os gostos. 

E foi o que aconteceu comigo. Passei de uma mente criativa para um mundo corporativo. Por outras palavras, deixei de procurar trabalhar naquilo que era realmente a minha paixão (a comunicação) e procurei novas oportunidades no mundo corporativo. Tudo porque a certa altura senti que neste novo mundo as oportunidades são mais reais e palpáveis do que aquelas que seguimos por aquilo que sonhámos. 

Em pouco mais de dois anos consegui obter mais na minha vida, do que mais de dez anos a lutar pelos meus sonhos. Contudo, ultimamente tenho sentido uma necessidade inata de voltar a escrever e procurar mais aminhas raízes de satisfação. Nesse sentido decidi voltar a escrever no blog e dedicar tempo a analisar os temas a que me propus quando criei este espaço. Não e importante se o mesmo vai ser lido por uma pessoa ou por dez mil. O que me importa mesmo e eu voltar a sentir-me eu próprio e encontrar-me neste novo mundo pós COVID. Por isso podem esperar daqui para frente novos textos na mesma linha do que foi publicado anteriormente.